Trauma and the Attachment Wound
What’s all this buzz about attachment and does it matter?
Yes, yes, and yes! It’s like sliced bread- once you realize it exists, you can’t imagine living without it. So, what is attachment? Attachment, in psychological terms, means the ability for a child to feel safe with, connect with, and be seen by the main caregiver.
You might have heard that there are a few types of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Ideally, the caregiver can provide safety, connection, and attunement. If so, the child will form a secure attachment.
For many reasons caregivers are not able to provide what is needed for a secure attachment and the result can be the child learns an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style depending on the relationship dynamic between the caregiver and child.
Unfortunately, the inability for a child to securely attach with their caregiver has negative consequences on the child’s development. The two non-negotiable needs for any small child are: attachment and authenticity.
So, what’s authenticity?
Well, what it isn’t is some new age term referring to living your best life (sarcasm included to denote how far some helpful concepts drift from original intent). Developmentally speaking, authenticity is the ability for the child to feel all their feelings without any messages from the caregiver that their feelings are too much, unwelcome, or not accurate. Think, “Don’t feel angry, I didn’t mean it like that” or “That’s not what happened and you’re overreacting.”
It also means the child learns to separate themselves from their parents, allowing them to have their own needs and wants independent of their parents. Lastly, it means the child can behave in their true naturewithout feeling like they need to constrict, hide, or deny parts of themselves.
Attachment and Authenticity
Now, if the caregiver cannot provide attachment, authenticity cannot develop. This is because the process of attachment teaches the child how to emotionally regulate, recognize their needs, and trust that their needs will be met. The process of attachment is what helps a child learn to attune to themselves, which is what allows a child to be authentic.
Therefore, if a child must choose between attachment and authenticity, it’s not even a choice, they must pick attachment. Now remember, a child will only find themselves in this predicament if secure attachment is not possible, otherwise authenticity would just develop. So, this is when a caregiver can only offer anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment.
What happens when a child must choose attachment over authenticity? Well, it means that the child will attach to their caregiver at the expense of their authenticity. They will hide, splinter, deny certain parts of themselves so that they preserve the attachment.
The Egocentric Nature of Children
As we know, children’s brains are not fully developed, causing them to have a very egocentric sense of the world. If their parents are upset- it’s because of them. If their parents are happy, it’s because of them. If their parent can’t provide secure attachment- it’s because of them. The child internalizes this as their fault and make it mean something is wrong with them (aka I’m not enough; I’m not loveable; something is wrong with me).
Think of it like this- a child grows up in a household where anger isn’t tolerated. Both parents are uncomfortable with anger and are also unable to express their own anger. The child will learn from an early age that anger is off limits. Children are perceptive and intuitive, so they pick up on this implicitly. The next time the child is angry, they will learn how to repress this, compartmentalize it, or deny it and in so doing they will preserve the attachment to the caregiver. The child learns anger is bad, and since they are egocentric, they are bad. This is what the child needs to do for survival, because they are 100% dependent on the caregiver.
Let’s take it one step further- let’s imagine this child grows up to be an adult and is now in a long-term relationship. Let’s also assume that this adult has still not learned secure attachment or authenticity. When this adult becomes angry at their partner, they will continue to repress it, compartmentalize it, or deny it. This can cause all sorts of trouble for the adult, their happiness, and their relationship.
The Consequences
Not having secure attachment or the ability to be authentic is a deeply painful experience. It’s a sense of not belonging, profound loneliness, and always feeling like you’re not quite good enough. People cannot endure this pain alone and so people will try to get their need for connection, safety, belonging in other ways- which is highly adaptive.
One way a person might do this is by developing an eating disorder. Think about it, the core belief that is formed from this lack of secure attachment and authenticity is “I’m not good enough.” What does diet culture tell us? We will be good enough once we are thin.
It’s more complicated than that though. An eating disorder also provides a great way to distract oneself from this pain and it becomes all about you and your shortcomings. Suddenly your mind is full of calorie counting, meal planning, exercise regiments, etc. You are finally going to be “good enough” once you lose x pounds. Happiness, connection, and love are all only a few pounds away. Makes perfect sense within this context, doesn’t it?
Except, when it doesn’t. You and I know how this story plays out- and it’ll just be more fuel to add to your fire of not feeling good enough.
