Naming the Fear of Letting Go of Your Eating Disorder
Does the idea of recovery sound like relief, but bring up fear?
You woke up this morning with that familiar cocktail of dread, shame, and disgust. It’s another day of mustering up all your strength just to exist through it. It’s going to be rough, and you wonder how much more of this you can take.
As the day drags on, your conclusion becomes clear. You don’t want to admit it, but all evidence points to it- you cannot keep living with your eating disorder running the show like this. It has taken too much from you. It’s taken your family, your friends, your hobbies, your fun and now it’s taking your daily life and self-esteem. It’s brought you to the brink of life- it’s time to give it up.
A sense of relief washes over you as you think about a life without your eating disorder. As your excitement builds, so does your fear.
This fear is normal and it’s important to name it in the early stages of recovery. Many people think both can’t exist. You are either excited and embrace recovery full heartedly, or you are afraid and paralyzed within your disorder. This type of polarized thinking can be a huge barrier to your recover.
So, know both can- and often do- exist at the same time. Fear and excitement. Recovery and relapse. Fear will grip your heart and squeeze. Excitement will ignite the fantasy of spending a whole day without obsessing about what you eat. Both will shake you- and that’s ok.
How do you Move Through the Fear?
First, remember your eating disorder has been your main method of control. The idea of letting go of your main coping skills is terrifying. The more you can understand, normalize, and validate the fear, the less control it will have on you. Don’t try to ignore and repress it.
Second, recognize that having two conflicting desires is normal and ok. Recovery is a mental process. Allow time for your mind to sort this conflict out. Part will want you to hold onto your eating disorder and part will want you to move towards recovery. Try and tolerate this discomfort.
Breathe. Acknowledge. Understand.
Scary stuff. Hard stuff. Probably stuff you need to practice anyway- and don’t take this the wrong way- but your struggle with this is most likely what influenced your spiral into an eating disorder in the first place.
So, yea- this fear is deep.
And it is always worth it.
Need help with your fear? I’m here and can help. Reach out for your free consultation.
